A true test

Dear Mum,

He left. I told him the truth and he left.

Please speak to me. Tell me if I have got his all wrong because I thought that no matter what, a man that loves you would stay. It's possible that he didn't love me. I don't think I could stand to see someone I loved be hurt, especially if I could help it.
He wants me to hurt.
I was already very down before all this and he has left me alone with my worries.
You know mum, I did all I could since we got back together. He was always complaining that I was bugging him for time, I hadn't done anything with my life, that I don't understand him because he works 9-5. More recently, when I was working with him, he began to complain that I didn't cook in his house, that I didn't wash or iron his clothes, that I never sorted the laundry out, that I never cleaned his room. It was very rude of him to say these things. I was doing much longer hours than him, I did offer to help him iron so many times and he told me not to, I wanted to cook for him but he told me it's best I don't because his mother would get upset, I never sorted out the clothes because they were all his, I never put my clothes for washing in his house - all he had to do was ask and I would of happily done it.
He never helped me to get my things sorted. I used to go to work, 8.30 - 3pm, I would go and teach until around 7 or sometimes 8-9, I would come home, tired and hungry and he never tried to look after me. Instead it was always me, calling him up and asking him if he was hungry. I would always bring food and get it ready for him if there was nothing to eat. He was so ungrateful to have me in his life. If I hadn't started working with him, I'm sure he wouldn't have made time for me, even until now.

Feeling Better

Dear Mum,

Today I feel a lot better. I feel stronger and more at peace. I still have the pain but it is sleeping; although it is sleeping in a very delicate place. I feel I am on my way to healing and I must not give in to this ridiculous make circle of time wasting, short cuts to self confidence and filling time when I am bored.

Today I am stronger.

Tomorrow I will be stronger.

You did not raise a weak girl. I am a woman now and I am strong like you. I know you dealt with a lot of stress which caused you much pain and I am not about to make you feel like it was all for nothing. You have taught me how to deal with pain and stress. You have taught me how to be strong and what an insult I would put upon you if I could not be strong. You are an excellent teacher, you were an amazing friend, you were the best mother I could have ever asked for and your memory lives on with me. I aim strong because you taught me to be. I will never let you down by giving into depression. I will never hurt myself. I will always be your daughter and you will always be my mother.

I love you so much and without you, I am very lost. I have no road to follow so I have begun to envision a path I should follow. It is a straight road, a good road, a road of truth and strength which I will follow because I know this is the only way for me to get to you. Some day I will take you in my arms and squeeze you and kiss your rosy cheeks and mess up your already crazy, curly hair. You are my everything.

I am very sorry if I have let you down by making weak choices in the last year. I am sorry for being weak. I know you wanted to be here to correct me but I have learnt a lot about other people and a lot about myself.

My heart is with you. I wish I could just lay on your lap and watch a movie with you.

I love you more than ever and miss you dearly xxxxx

Getting Over Things

Dear Mum,

I need you. I feel extremely down and it is because I am trying to sort my life out. It feels like a shock to my system.

There are certain people in life who make us better. There are people that make us believe things, live in a world full of illusion and I have recently realised that there is a real world out there. I feel scared to step into it.

In my world of illusion, I have confidence, I am important and beautiful. I am also very vulnerable, easily manipulated and weak. Although the negative feelings I have in this world are not helpful, they balance with the good pretty well and and even though it is not great, I am use to it.

In reality, I still feel beautiful, emotionally strong and generally  we rounded I lack the confidence, I am not as important and still feel weak. However I am not easily manipulated, I am not used and I am not reliant on anybody.

I met a girl today who really made me feel hurt. She is in this fantasy world which I was in but in comparison to me, she was very proud. She was very pleased with her body, though highly of herself intellectually and as a whole felt she was just better than me. I am experienced enough to know that with over confidence are some really insecurities and I am pleased to know that I do not have that problem. She is just another woman who will be realising what I realise now; the difference is that I have realised now but she still has a long way to go.

Mum, you always made me feel perfect and I had  slice of that in the crazy unreal world. I know now that no matter where I am, I can keep your world with me and believe no matter where I am - so I choose reality.

It is time for me to face the hardship ahead of me. It is time for me to let go.

So getting into a career will not be easy but I can make a start at it. I have training videos in the palm of my hand and Sunny is going to get me through the exam and qualified.
My body is my temple. I should start believing this. My body is precious and I need to start again a program of gym sessions to keep it well and healthy. And no smoking!
My mind need conditioning and I guess I could visit this place more often and get out of my system these negative thoughts in my head. It drives me crazy. I should pamper myself more.

I have learnt a lot this last year. I have learnt that people will lie to me to get what they want or spare themselves and argument. These people are cowards and are weak people who are no good for me.

The Socks

To dream that you are wearing socks, signifies warmth and comfort. Alternatively, to see socks in your dream indicate that you tend to yield to other's wishes. You are flexible and understanding in your thinking.

Dear Mum,

I had a dream of you wearing these blue and cream socks. I searched above of what thia dream might mean and it's crazy I actally agree with what it says. I also learnt what is means to yield lol

Missing you with every passing day.

xxxx

Is this a special day?

It was four years ago I saw you last but even, there were no exchange of words, just sadness. That day is gone now and I try not to think about it much. I smile at the thought of you and guess what, today I found out that your name means "sun" in Arabic. How cool is that!! - That's what I call Sunny. Strange. Now I know I will always have you close to me. Half the time I call Sunny's name, I don't even need him for anything - I guess those moments can go to you :-)
No, it's not the left overs. I always felt this funny tingle when I started calling him Sun, I was really pleased to learn that!

Today I feel a little bit run down but I am happy. Generally I feel good about my life, things at home are better, the counselling is going well and work is not bad either. I been going gym and keep in shape and I do also feel better about my body. It's a great feeling. I even have the excersize leggings you used to wear all those years ago when we use to go the david llyods - I wear them all the time.
I can't believe they've lasted that long - M&S did sell more quality garments back then. They aren't so good anymore.

I've had lots of my stuff on the John Lewis floor now, all girlswear stuff. It's a nice feeling although somehow, I don't feel it is 100% mine. Maybe because I only designed the artwork and not the garment. Well, that's okay. I guess if you are designing something for a shape that already exists then you do have to design accordingly. Anyway....

I'm at work at the moment. I got one week off next week. I took off four day and of course we get the bank holiday Monday as well.

I'm trying to grow my hair now. I think it's quite long. Actually, I'm sure it was this length you saw me last because by Christmas time, my hair was down to the bust - well, just above it. Stupid me, I went and cut it off after! It's taken ages for me to get it where it is now. I'm really happy with the length.

I miss you sometimes without realising it.

Sunny has been really good with me recently. The other night, he was playing around with me and it hit a horrible memory for me. Although it was late, he took me downstaires and made me tea and talk to me about it. It was really quite good of him. I do look back and yes, I could have been more careful of my actions but seriously, is it only me?
I thought everything was innocent - turns out I was very wrong and you know what, it made me grow up.

I miss you mum x

Down again

Dear Mum,


I'm exhusted, I'm low on energy and smiling is a huge effort at home.

Today I'm going for counselling and I hope this helps me through this phase in my life which I'm sure I will never look back on.

If it were not for Sunny, I' d probably be in pieces and although I feel like that on the inside, I can manage - I feel I'm stronger then that. I think if anything went a little against me today, that will be me done for the day. I just can't take much right now.

I'm not even missing times before anymore. I know that the only option is to move forward and that it - things will never be the same. No matter what.

I can't believe that he thinks he can shout in my face and grab me like that - I don't even trust him anymore.


I wish I could pack my things and leave. Just live me life. Do well in my final year and get away from him. I want nothing to do with him anymore. Now Sunny feels really uncomfortable and I don't know how to help him there. If it's not me making him feel uneasy then how can I stop it?

I'm glad there is someone there to look out for me. Dad has no right to ever make me feel like I don't belong there. The worst thing about dad is that he puts his string of women before me and I don't understand where he is coming from.

He says I'm an adult and I don't need parents like I used to. But of course not, I can do most things without help but he has pretty much left me to live like an orphan. I don't need to do anything to make her feel welcome and I don't see why I should go out of my way to make her smile. Surely I should be able to express my feelings in the house without having to fake it with certain people. Some people don't understand that repect is earnt.

On a low

Dear Mum,


I joined as gym yesterday and one of the members was a little rude to me. I do not know what happened from that point but my mood has been down ever since.
A friend from work says I am feeling down about something else and using this a s an excuse - I am not sure what else could be making me feel down.

I was so happy to joint the gym and I really want to carry on with it and you know what, I am sure this is just one of lifes knock backs. I can get through it and you always believed I was able to recover from anything. I know you saw strength in me, the strength that could give me that survival power and I will have to find that in me once again.

With dearest love,
Natasha xxx