Things are better

I feel better now that I have met people but I still think that sometimes I get my self into situation which I can not control. I feel you have given me strength and God has too. I can be myself, strong, keep a clear heart and make decisions which will keep me with a clear conscience. It makes me happy to feel that I can make the right choices. I know that it is hard to do things I want to do sometimes. I have faith that one day, I will be a happy woman with a great husband and controllable kids. I am going to try and make sure I can do all I can to not disappoint dad and Na'im and I really want to try and keep Sunny happy too. I hope you are at peace and my love and thoughts are always with you. You are still my rock. Even though there are other things that give me strength too, you are the one person who made me this way to begin with. I love you and thank you for showing me the right path.

Dear Mum

As you probably know I am in Brussels and I feel pretty down. I feel like I need to cry but I'm not sure what I'd be crying about.

When I came here I just wanted to make friends and now I've met people but I don't want to spend time with them. I feel like every new girl I meet has it in for me. They all hate me mum and I don't know why. I try and be really nice to new people I meet but it never seems to pay off with the girls. They all want to be bitchy and shit. Well, not all, just most.

I feel like I can't rely on any female to listen to me when I am down. I mean, there are a couple, two actually, but I don't want to be a burden on them, they have been there for me so much in the past, they'll just get fed up of me eventually.

Mum, what did you do that made me so happy and strong? I can't seem to understand what it was. I guess that feeling of you and dad being there was enough and I hope that I can be happy like that once again. It's really hard to keep going when I feel so empty inside. It' a big effort to be happy and I wish I could go back to when I was 16 and change everything.

I love you mum and I wish you were here. My life hasn't been the same. I need you back in my life so badly. I feel scared and weak. I need you here and I would do anything to see you again.

Please help me to find the courage to carry on living my life as I use to.

I don't have one person i my life who can always make me smile.